Another Candle

It's hard to deny the immense progress in treatment of Cancer, especially when diagnosed early. But for the countless of us who heard three nerve piercing words "you have cancer" your life is never the same. We want a cure and we want it NOW. As if your life isn't shuck up enough from the first diagnosis, many of us hear a replay and that encore of words simply sucks wind out of you. In my case, my initial diagnosis resulted in me undergoing surgery to remove a kidney and its nemesis tumor, which was the size of a loaf of bread. 6 months later, I'm going on with life, happy at the new lease on life, only to learn it metastasized into other organs - the news was devastating but you carry on because life doesn't stop because of a diagnosis.

Like all life threatening diseases, cancer morphs you into a human lab, where different chemotherapy treatments and radiations are infused in your body for a chance to heal. But for how long? Is the poison given to treat this devil of the dis-ease worth it? Is the physical, mental, sociological and financial burden worth it? I often loss countless hours a day thinking about this. Is the predictive five (5) years of living -- pardon me, we're Survivors, Yippe.... five years of survivorship worth the fight?

I get excited when I hear and/or read of someone (complete strangers included) who underwent cancer treatment and won the freaking fight. I actually want to do cartwheels - but in moments like this, when the relative of my best friend losses the battle, my heart melts. I try to be brave and be supportive but at the same time, I'm haunted by own fight and mortality, and anger raves from the bottom of soul. 

The POTUS and VPOTUS have initiated ProjectMoonShot to find a cure for cancer but 2020 seems light years away. Cancer research has been around for decades and I cannot fathom how the American Cancer Society or the National Cancer Institute each raise a yearly average of $4.8 BILLION  and there isn't a cure for this dis-ease.

We wear ribbons of various colors and slap magnets on our cars to bring awareness and raise funds for the myriad of cancers. Every month is dedicated to making mankind aware of the various types of cancers. We've eradicated many communicable diseases but can't find a cure for cancer!? I believe this somewhat incurable dis-ease is due to the tremendous profit in treating the disease, not in finding a cure. Prescriptions are the vein of existence for these pill pushers, big Pharma companies and they do a great job at giving patients a false sense of hope. Hope that we'll be cured.....for five (5) years.

Survivors are often bankrupt of life. We survive with potential body image issues due to the butchering done to our bodies as Doctors remove diseased organs, tissues, lymph nodes. We're never the same and accepting the new normal is not always palatable. Some judge us and say we give up on life or disgruntle but walking this journey is not one most of us battle due to irresponsible lifestyles. It's a result of years of poisoning our bodies with preservatives, antibiotics, food colorings, air pollutants, etc., and pharmaceutical companies reaping infinite profits by selling antibiotics & pesticides to farmers, which destroy our ecosystem and then rip us off again with prescriptions for the litany of health problems we develop. 

Christy, I never met you in flesh but we share an unwelcome bond, cancer. Cancer didn't win and you didn't give up on living. The ugly battle is over and you'll rest in peace. No more pain. No more tears. No more body invasion by chemicals. We're missing you in person but you'll forever live in our hearts.

In peace and PERFECT Health,

JuanaBeJoyful - A fellow warrior

Yes to Thrive

T minus 2 days to 14 months of saying Yes to Life, Yes to Thriving, Yes to CANCERvive.

December 15, 2014 at 3'sh am, I laid on an uncomfortable ER gurney  and was told by the Dr., that he had good and bad news from a CT scan that was done moments earlier. He asked which I wanted to hear first. I said give me the bad news 1st and he said, we found a "huge" mass on your kidney, which we are certain is cancer. I responded OK and the project manager in me wanted to know the next step. The good news was nearly irrelevant but it was that appendicitis or ..... (blur set in) were ruled out. Yippee, Hooray!

The cancer diagnosis did not shake me; however, I laid in that cold room, alone, with a cellphone without a charge and all I thought was the many regrets for things I may never experience. Things I postponed doing because of fear, waiting for retirement, not wanting to deplete my savings account. I thought of my only child and missing out on his wedding, the mother-son dance, not holding my grandchild, missing out on buying that 1st pair of Tiffany earrings from my baby princess (yes, I thought of that), my fear of rejection and putting up every single wall to LOVE. To die and never experience love....That is when tears streamed down my face and right then, I vowed to heal and to live without regrets, unapologetic and to Celebrate Life every single day, just because.

"No" and "I can't" are no longer part of my vocabulary. I remind myself that "Excuses are the tools of the incompetent" and that, I'm not. Whenever fear or uncertainty creeps into my mind, I tell myself, Cancer has not killed me and neither will doing whatever I'm afraid of.

I LOL (Live Out Loud) everyday. I do crazy things, because I can and because frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! Cancer has forced me to reconnect with the inner child in me. That little girl who at the age of 3 went to school and when the teacher told me to have a seat, I told her no thank you, because I have my own chair at home and stood the entire day. That child who at the age of 16, left her parents home and relocated 4,500+ miles to attend college at a time when cellphones, video conferencing (Skype, FaceTime, etc.) weren't conceptual. I was tough, determined and said Yes to making it in these United States. Yes, to making my parents proud. Yes, to making my sisters proud. Yes, to making it in life.

On December 15, 2014, I said Yes to CANCERvive, Yes to Living because on that day, I realized I simply existed and that made me extremely sad. I made a promise to myself, to walk out of that hospital and confront the biggest battle of my life but while I fight, I will LIVE. Cancer made me say Yes to Life and in 2015, I overcame many fears: I allowed myself to be vulnerable to LOVE and after 15+ years of being single, I said Yes to a date and it was Great, I said Yes to Hot-air ballooning, sailing and going dolphin sightseeing. I said Yes to vacationing solo and cruising through one of the 7 wonders of the world (The Panama Canal) and didn't once fear the deep ocean. I said Yes to running my 5th and most important half marathon just 8 months after having a kidney removed to cancer and knowing that pesky dis-ease had spread to other organs.

So while I battle stage 4 cancer, you'll always see me putting my best foot forward. You'll find me often overcommitting but saying Yes because just before taking my last breathe, I want to smile remembering that I did it my way and I have no regrets. I said Yes to Living not just existing.

In Peace and PERFECT health,
--JuanaBJoyful